Lament vs. Despair

Bill Blackstone sent me this photo today. Fun memories! If you haven't ever linked to the Paradox Uganda blog. Do it. It will turn your world inside out on a regular basis. Here is a quote from Jennifer a couple days ago...."lament and despair are polar opposites. Lament is the deepest, most costly demonstration of belief in God. Despair is the ultimate manifestation of the total denial that He exists." - Taken from Michael Card.

Today

A few people have emailed or asked me to keep blogging for a bit, as they process as well. So here I am....

Jamie and I sat down for the first time since Thursday night at dinner, and we had no purpose. There's was nothing anyone needed, and nothing to do for anyone. It was the first chance I've had to speak to him in four days, and he couldn't talk. I process through talking and writing; he does it through space. So here I am...when I should be grading the 300 papers piled on my bed.

I've been raw and angry today. I suppose it may be at God, but in that same moment, I know He calls me His beloved. However, I am certain I am angry at sin and death. I'm angry to be left in a broken world, that my children will endure heartbreak because this world is shattered. I'm angry that I long for so much more than anything can satisfy me here. And I'm hopeful. I'm free. I'm free to know I wasn't made for a world like this, or for relationships that are filled with heartache. I was made for perfection ... oneness with my Father ... wholeness of body... delight ... worship ... I spoke with someone from high school Monday night. We both talked about how we fill so empty. So out of control. What a beautiful and terrifying place to be. Beautiful because I have a chance to be filled with the Power and Spirit of God...Terrifying because I have a chance to fill that emptiness with these tangible things around me. I want the beauty.

Better go. Benjamin just ate an ant bed.

Worship

I worshipped yesterday. I watched someone who has been present in every season of my life carry her sleeping children and stood by as her husband's body was lowered into the earth. I stood by as his two closest friends grieved his loss, and I played princess with two of the most precious girls on earth. What an honor. What a gift. After yesterday, I am certain there is no higher calling than the one we've been given. As I sat on the front porch with people who've been in my life for 20 years...people who've held my babies, wept with my husband, moved my furniture, and pointed me to Jesus, I thought of how blessed I am to have loved their children, stood in their weddings, cried - and laughed until I cried with them. I sang with a family yesterday...my covenant family. And as I sang, I am confident two dear friends were complete in Jesus, standing in His presence, singing with me.

Heartbroken

Last night was one of those moments that didn't fit into my "God Box." I've been listening to a series by John Piper. His quote said, "wimpy theology makes wimpy women." Last week when I heard it my heart soared to have the faith to rest deeply in my Father's hands, regardless of where He leads. Last night my heart screamed, "You are mean, God" as I listened to heartbroken cries. And in the same breathe I whispered, "You are good." I know the truth, and in these dark places, I can't imagine life with out the hope of my Savior. But sometimes that doesn't quiet the terrifying gasps or still the tears. 

I've failed. I've failed as a mom, a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister...But I serve a God who takes those places my heart doesn't dare to go, and creates a fountain of freedom. I serve a God who took the punishment and curse of death, and transformed it into a pathway into his presence. I serve a God who restores the tears of daughters, mothers, fathers, and wives. I know these things, but right now...my thoughts are a lot louder than those truths. Jamie and I are broken, numb and sad. So we can't even dream where Ashleigh and the family  are, but as Jamie said last night, "Aaron was a man who loved his friends, loved his daughters, loved his wife so deeply, and all of that reflected how great he loved his God."