Jamie and I sat down for the first time since Thursday night at dinner, and we had no purpose. There's was nothing anyone needed, and nothing to do for anyone. It was the first chance I've had to speak to him in four days, and he couldn't talk. I process through talking and writing; he does it through space. So here I am...when I should be grading the 300 papers piled on my bed.
I've been raw and angry today. I suppose it may be at God, but in that same moment, I know He calls me His beloved. However, I am certain I am angry at sin and death. I'm angry to be left in a broken world, that my children will endure heartbreak because this world is shattered. I'm angry that I long for so much more than anything can satisfy me here. And I'm hopeful. I'm free. I'm free to know I wasn't made for a world like this, or for relationships that are filled with heartache. I was made for perfection ... oneness with my Father ... wholeness of body... delight ... worship ... I spoke with someone from high school Monday night. We both talked about how we fill so empty. So out of control. What a beautiful and terrifying place to be. Beautiful because I have a chance to be filled with the Power and Spirit of God...Terrifying because I have a chance to fill that emptiness with these tangible things around me. I want the beauty.
Better go. Benjamin just ate an ant bed.
1 comment:
This is all very true and I have had similar emotions and thoughts during my periods of grief. I'm glad you are struggling for true joy and I'm so thankful that we have the hope only Christ can offer when things don't make sense. I'll be praying that you turn to the Spirit in your weakness.
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