Transformed

I'm procrastinating. There's VBS materials piled to the ceiling, and t-shirts covering the floor. Jamie and I go with 26 others to the village of Yobain in Mexico tomorrow. It's the same trip Jamie's taken the last few years, and this year we have the opportunity to go together, thanks to my sister Leah and brother-in-law, Ben. This summer we've been serving as semi-interim youth leaders for the senior high as we've been in transition. Our current community is teenagers, and God is using them to change our lives. I was listening to something this morning, and was reminded that there is no third option...in this world we will either be conformed or transformed. As we've watched heartache and brokenness in numerous areas of our lives over the last couple of years, we've realized it's not the monumental decisions that dominantly make the difference, though they contribute. It's a daily, moment by moment commitment to a lifestyle of life-to-life ministry that changes lives for the kingdom. But more essentially, these small choices remind Jamie and me of our nothingness before God, his ultimate holiness, and leave us desperate at the cross. Our hearts have been stirring since about this time last year. There's been a nagging aching that's only grown, and it's beautiful, because I'm consistently aware that I was not made for this world. Though my body and ministry are here, my heart and soul are to be of another world. So I'm learning to pray that I will never be "happy" here, but that I will continually be formed, and from where I sit, that hurts. Pray for us to have teachable hearts in Mexico, pray for the transition of leadership, pray that God would shake us, make us uncomfortable, and changed. Thank you for supporting us financially and in prayer. Love you.

Catie

Eight Years

I hate the phrase "Time Flies." It's so cliche, and I hate even more that it's true. 

I remember moments of today, eight years ago. I remember Rachel smiling at me, Holley Johnson coming in first. I remember Jessica squeezing my hand, my dad's tears, Billy's face...I remember Jamie stroking the top of my hand, and that's about all, until I called my sister crying that night, saying I could come home.

Sometime I become frustrated not being able to remember those moments, and then I look around - and listen. My life today is nothing like I would have described on my wedding day. I'm so glad. Through my marriage I've discovered I'm so much more of a sinner than I could have ever imagined. I've learned I'm going to fail, most of the time before Jamie leaves the house in the morning. Most dinners are burned, so I've resorted to a variation of turkey sandwiches. I've resigned myself to the fact that if we are all alive when Jamie comes home, it's much better than the house being clean. I've found the cross is bigger than I could have ever dreamed, and I've tasted what is really means to boldly and desperately enter the throne of grace.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful that Jamie sings hymns at the top of his lungs. I'm grateful that he thinks before he speaks. I'm grateful he refuses to let me lead, yet refuses to let me retreat. I'm grateful he vacuums, does laundry, and provides for us. But I'm in love with the ways he longs to show his sons Jesus in every aspect of life. I love how he dies to himself daily on my behalf. I love how he's established a purpose for us to be missionaries here, now, and has determined that we will never "settle down." I  love that we have wonderful fights, because it shows me that Christ truly has victory over sin. But I'm broken that when he looks at me, he sees all I am and could be with the fullness of Christ, and he doesn't allow me to compromise for anything less.

I am the most blessed woman in the world.

I Love Being a Mommy Because...

1. Caleb cried when I read Aslan died last night. "Mommy, you have to read one more page. I know this can't be the end."

2. It's a gift, not a right.

3. I'm wiping the bottoms of those who will wipe my grandchildren.

4. Daniel falls asleep on my shoulder every time I sing "Come Thou Fount."

5. Benjamin sings me every word of "Come Thou Fount."

6. Children are precious to God.

7. Caleb looks to be sure I'm watching before he hits baseballs.

8. Benjamin tells me he has an very important secret before he give me the weeds he picked for me.

9. I've had a very few moments when I've experienced it could all be gone in a second.

10. I have enough stories to write for a lifetime.

10. I get to watch my children wrestle with my husband.

11. Caleb held my hand as I wept for a friend and said, "It's okay. I'm here, Mommy."

12. Benjamin loves beauty.

13. Daniel stomps his foot if I try to put him to bed before reading.

14. They dance and flip when we sing hymns at night.

15. Caleb reminded me that, "Daddy and you promised to always live together, and to love each other even when you don't really like each other."

16. I've learned more about Star Wars than I wouldn't have known in a lifetime of my former life.

17. Nothing in my life has gone like I've planned.

18. No day goes like I plan.

19. I'm desperate for others to speak truth into my life.

20. I've become an introvert.

21. I'm alone, watching Veggietales, and singing every song by heart.

22. Preschoolers cheer for me when I memorize scripture with them.

23. Caleb tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.

24. Daniel holds out his hand to hold mine.

25. Benjamin combines Star Wars and the story of Jesus for his action figures to act out.

26. I'm on my knees.

27. I'm learning there's so much about myself I don't know...and there's so much about my God - more than I could ever dream of knowing.

28. My TV time alone is Curious George.

29. I get to celebrate every first of my children's lives.

30. I can believe, hope, and pray my children will be used to transform the world for the gospel.

31. I've been given more than I could hope to do on my own.

32. I get to ask for forgiveness every single day, and that's a minimum.

33. I hear my children pray for my friends by name.

34. They tell me they don't want to go to heaven until they know I'll be there too.

35. I get to show them the world for this short time.

36. They say every day they're thankful for me.

37. They have an amazing Daddy.

38. I get to read and cuddle with them.

39. Benjamin's mouth has the most precious shape I've ever seen.

40. They celebrate me.

41. I get to do 5 loads of laundry a day.

42. By the grace of God, they see Jesus in me.

43. I'm their home.

44. They say they love me before they are out of bed in the morning.

45. I get to witness the daily gag on vegetables.

46. I get to discover life and the world all over again.

47. The gospel is transforming my life.

48. I inspect daily inventions.

49. I taste-test worm, mud pies.

50. They aren't mine. I'm loving them to let them go, and that stops my breath.

Good Friday Family Devotional

The Crucifixion

Read Matthew 27: 27-50

Jesus knew what was happening. He knew it wasn't going to be easy. He knew that our freedom from sin and death would cost His life.

After Pilate, the governor, gave Jesus over to be crucified, the soldiers took Jesus and beat Him They made fun of Him. Only a few days earlier, the people had cheered because they wanted Jesus to be their king. Now they watched while the soldiers put a robe on Him and pushed a crown of thorns into His head. They watched Him bleed and saw His hurts. They put a sign at the top of His cross. It read, "This is Jesus, the King of the Jews." They made fun of His power and told HIm to save Himself.

Then, in the darkest hour, Jesus cried out to His Father. He had cried out to His Father many, many times before. But this time was different. He asked His Father why He had left Him alone. But Jesus also knew that this darkness would bring light. He knew His pain would bring freedom. He knew His death would give you life.

Together:

• Have you ever felt forsaken or along? What was it like?
  
• The people made fun of Jesus. They said He couldn't save Himself. Why didn't Jesus save Himself?
  
• Jesus went through pain and loneliness so that you would never have to be alone. How does that make you feel?
  
• Thank Jesus for enduring the cross. Thank God that Jesus' death gave us life. 
  
• Praise God by singing verse 1 of "And Can It Be."
  

And can it be that I should gain an interest in the Savior's blood? Died He for me who caused His pain? For me, who Him to death pursued? Amazing love! How can it be that though my God shouldst die for me? Amazing love, how can it be that thou, my God shouldst die for me?

-Charles Wesley, 1738

Maundy Thursday Family Devotional

The Arrest

Read John 18: 1-11

After Jesus and His disciples finished the Passover Feast, they went to a garden to pray. Judas was one of the disciples, but he had betrayed Jesus. He told the Jewish leaders where Jesus was in exchange for silver. But none of this surprised God. He was in control of all things.

While Jesus and His disciples were in the garden, Judas came with a groups of soldiers and officers. They had torches and weapons. Jesus knew why they were there. He went to them and asked them who they were looking for. They said Jesus. He answered, "I am He." In those three words, Jesus told who He was, but He also told them that He was the only Son of God. It says that when Jesus said those words, the soldiers fell to the ground. Jesus' words were that powerful!

Then Jesus gave himself up. But Peter, His disciple, became scared. He felt out of control. Peter pulled out his sword and cut off the ear of a servant. Jesus immediately stepped forward. In the book of Luke it says He touched the servant's ear, and it grew back. Jesus surrendered himself because He knew the time had come. He knew that His surrender would mean we would be free to know God's love for us.

Together:

• How do you think Jesus felt when He saw Judas and the soldiers?
  
• What would you have thought if you were there?
  
• How do you think Peter and the soldiers felt when they saw Jesus heal the servant's ear?
  
• Thank God for sending us Jesus. Thank Him that Jesus gave Himself up willingly so that we could know God's love for us.
  
• Praise Him by singing verse 1 of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing."
  

Come, thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above; praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of God's unchanging love.

- Robert Robinson, 1758

Holy Wednesday Family Devotional

The Last Supper

Read Luke 22: 14-23

Once a year the people of God went to Jerusalem to celebrate the feast of Passover. It was a time to remember the ways God had provided for His people. It was a time to remember how God led them out of slavery in Egypt to freedom. This year Jesus wanted to celebrate the feast with His closest friends, His disciples. The disciples were afraid because they knew people wanted to kill Jesus.

But when the time came, Jesus and His disciples sat down at the table together. Jesus knew it was almost time for Him to die, but He also knew His Father was in control of everything. Jesus told that this would be the last time He would share and eat this special meal with them until the Kingdom of God came.

First, Jesus took the bread. He blessed it, broke it, and gave it to them. He said, "This is my body given for you."

Then, He took the cup of wine. He blessed it and gave it to them. He said, "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant of My blood."

We still celebrate this feast today. In the church we have communion. The bread and the juice remind us of Jesus' sacrifice. Just like the people of God remembered, we remember the way God led us out of the slavery of sin to freedom in Jesus. And each time we celebrate communion, we remember that Jesus will come again to celebrate this special feast with His people.

Together:

• Do you think Jesus was afraid?
  
• What would it have been like to celebrate this special feast with Jesus?
  
• Have you found freedom in JEsus? If not, talk with your parents about it now.
  
• Thank God for Jesus' sacrifice and that Jesus is returning to celebrate this feast with us again.
  
• Praise God by singing verses 1 and 2 of "Amazing Grace."
  

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. 

I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see. 

When we've been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun, 

we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we've first begun.

- John Newton, 1779

Holy Tuesday Family Devotional

A Sacrifice for Jesus

Matthew 26: 1-6

Jesus talked with His disciples as He had several times before. Except now, the time had almost run out. He told them He would be crucified at Passover, in only two days. While Jesus talked with His closest friends, others who thought He was a dangerous enemy, planned His death. Jesus knew His Father, the one true God, loved Him more deeply than we could ever dream. So days before His death, Jesus sat and ate with those no one else wanted to be with. He dined at Simon the Leper's house, a man who would have been the outcast of society. He watched as Mary, a woman other men wouldn't be in the same room with, washed His feet with expensive perfume, and wiped the dirt with her hair. And when the disciples said she wasted precious money that could have been used for better things, Jesus said she gave Him beautiful worship.

Together:

• What would it have been like to be in a room with Jesus days before His death?
  
• Would you have been willing to spend time with those others didn't want to be around? Why or why not?
  
• How can you worship Jesus today as the one true King?
  
• Thank God that He loves you, and invites you to worship Him.
  
• Praise Him by singing "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High."
  

"Lord, I lift your name on High. Lord, I love to sing your praises. I'm so glad your in my life. I'm so glad you came to save us. You came from heaven to earth (to show the way). From the earth to the cross (my debt to pay). From the cross to the grave, from the grave to the sky, Lord I lift your name on high."

Holy Monday Family Devotional

Jesus in the Temple

Read Matthew 21: 12-17

They had celebrated and honored Him as their King. He was the Messiah, the only Son of the one true God. Now, one day later, He entered His Father's temple. But the people inside were not worshipping the Father. Instead, they used the one true God's special house to make money and become important. They dishonored the name of God. Rather than protecting the poor and sick people God loved, they robbed them in His own house. In holy anger, Jesus rebuked and drove out all those people who had mocked the name of God through their disobedient actions. And in the same temple where they were put down, the poor, sick and helpless came to Jesus to find healing through the true life He offered. They came to Jesus to be rescued.

• What is the difference between holy anger and sinful anger?
  
• How would it have made you feel to see Jesus angry?
  
• How can you honor God by caring for the poor and sick?
  
• Thank God for the chances He gives you to serve and obey Him.
  
• Praise Him by singing verse 1 and the chorus of "Trust and Obey."
  

"When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, What a glory He sheds on our way! While we do His good will, He abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey. Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

- John H. Sammis 1887

Passion Week Family Devotional - Palm Sunday

Jesus the King

Read Zechariah 9:9 and Matthew 21:1-11

"Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord!" The praises echoed in Jesus' ears as He entered Jerusalem on a donkey. 

Each year the people of God went to the town of Jerusalem to remember how God protected them during the Passover in Egypt. They remembered how God led them through the desert to freedom. As Jesus entered the town of Jerusalem, the crowds and His disciples shouted His name with excitement. They laid their cloaks and palm branches on the ground to prepare the way for HIm. They had seen His mighty works. Many people believed He was the Messiah. In fact, the prophet Zechariah had said hundreds of years before that Israel's king would come for their salvation. Now, as they celebrated, these men, women, and children hoped Jesus would save them from Rome's harsh control. They wanted Jesus to be their King.

Jesus had come to save and rescue His people, just like Zechariah said. But His salvation would not be what the people thought they wanted. They wanted to be comfortable, to be free from all the mean things Rome did. But Jesus wanted them to be victorious, and to be free from sin forever so they could experience true life in God's presence.

Together:

• What would it have been like to see Jesus enter Jerusalem?
  
• Was Jesus the kind of Messiah many had hoped for? Why or why not?
  
• What do you think Jesus was thinking as He entered Jerusalem?
  
• Thank God for sending Jesus to be our one true King.
  
• Praise God by singing verse 1 of "I Will Sing of My Redeemer."

I will sing of my Redeemer and his wondrous love to me: on the cruel crossed He suffered, from the curse to set me free." 

Refrain:  Sing, O Sing of my Redeemer! With His blood He purchased me; on the cross He sealed my pardon, paid the debt, and made me free."  - Phillip P. Bliss, 1876

Caleb's Cast

Broken Wrist and Broken Lives

It's official. We are a boy house. Our friends from South Carolina visited today for the first time in a couple years. Within five minutes, her little girl Emma came to inform me Caleb was screaming. A couple doctors and X-rays later, he had broken his wrist. His show and tell for co-op tomorrow is his cast and X-ray pictures. He's pretty stoked. Jamie is somewhat grieving the end of Caleb's one-game baseball season. 

It's April 1st. I heaved a small sigh of relief today. March was a month of grieving, a month of anger, a month of God's rich mercy and grace. I'm seeing Him in ways I never have before. I feel His pursuit, His longing for me...I'm beginning to grasp that He misses me when my ways and thoughts become consumed with this world. I'm made for so much more. It's comforting and terrifying to know that because I am His child, He will go to great lengths to restore me to Himself. I'm processing that in ways that are silencing me. It's been a gift to serve Ashleigh, grieve with Jamie, have hard conversations with friends in our church, and to stay on our knees in prayer. I want to circle a day on the calendar when I know this new normal will sink in. Sadly, I want to circle a day when I will be in control again. But in the deepest places of my heart, I know my ways are boring. If I had it my way, I would miss knowing my Father, longing for heaven, and aching for what I was truly created for. So it's good, in a hard way.

I finished writing the Passion Week Devotionals for our church. I'll be posting them starting Sunday. Feel free to use them with your family. They were completely done by God's grace, as I've sat before Him so little over the last month. But they took me to the cross in a precious way. I'll post pictures of the cast later. He's a pretty cool kid.

Lament vs. Despair

Bill Blackstone sent me this photo today. Fun memories! If you haven't ever linked to the Paradox Uganda blog. Do it. It will turn your world inside out on a regular basis. Here is a quote from Jennifer a couple days ago...."lament and despair are polar opposites. Lament is the deepest, most costly demonstration of belief in God. Despair is the ultimate manifestation of the total denial that He exists." - Taken from Michael Card.

Today

A few people have emailed or asked me to keep blogging for a bit, as they process as well. So here I am....

Jamie and I sat down for the first time since Thursday night at dinner, and we had no purpose. There's was nothing anyone needed, and nothing to do for anyone. It was the first chance I've had to speak to him in four days, and he couldn't talk. I process through talking and writing; he does it through space. So here I am...when I should be grading the 300 papers piled on my bed.

I've been raw and angry today. I suppose it may be at God, but in that same moment, I know He calls me His beloved. However, I am certain I am angry at sin and death. I'm angry to be left in a broken world, that my children will endure heartbreak because this world is shattered. I'm angry that I long for so much more than anything can satisfy me here. And I'm hopeful. I'm free. I'm free to know I wasn't made for a world like this, or for relationships that are filled with heartache. I was made for perfection ... oneness with my Father ... wholeness of body... delight ... worship ... I spoke with someone from high school Monday night. We both talked about how we fill so empty. So out of control. What a beautiful and terrifying place to be. Beautiful because I have a chance to be filled with the Power and Spirit of God...Terrifying because I have a chance to fill that emptiness with these tangible things around me. I want the beauty.

Better go. Benjamin just ate an ant bed.

Worship

I worshipped yesterday. I watched someone who has been present in every season of my life carry her sleeping children and stood by as her husband's body was lowered into the earth. I stood by as his two closest friends grieved his loss, and I played princess with two of the most precious girls on earth. What an honor. What a gift. After yesterday, I am certain there is no higher calling than the one we've been given. As I sat on the front porch with people who've been in my life for 20 years...people who've held my babies, wept with my husband, moved my furniture, and pointed me to Jesus, I thought of how blessed I am to have loved their children, stood in their weddings, cried - and laughed until I cried with them. I sang with a family yesterday...my covenant family. And as I sang, I am confident two dear friends were complete in Jesus, standing in His presence, singing with me.

Heartbroken

Last night was one of those moments that didn't fit into my "God Box." I've been listening to a series by John Piper. His quote said, "wimpy theology makes wimpy women." Last week when I heard it my heart soared to have the faith to rest deeply in my Father's hands, regardless of where He leads. Last night my heart screamed, "You are mean, God" as I listened to heartbroken cries. And in the same breathe I whispered, "You are good." I know the truth, and in these dark places, I can't imagine life with out the hope of my Savior. But sometimes that doesn't quiet the terrifying gasps or still the tears. 

I've failed. I've failed as a mom, a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister...But I serve a God who takes those places my heart doesn't dare to go, and creates a fountain of freedom. I serve a God who took the punishment and curse of death, and transformed it into a pathway into his presence. I serve a God who restores the tears of daughters, mothers, fathers, and wives. I know these things, but right now...my thoughts are a lot louder than those truths. Jamie and I are broken, numb and sad. So we can't even dream where Ashleigh and the family  are, but as Jamie said last night, "Aaron was a man who loved his friends, loved his daughters, loved his wife so deeply, and all of that reflected how great he loved his God."